Sunday, October 31, 2010

Embracing My Inner Child

So as a parent I can recognise that my children Needs certain things. examples of this would be love, touch, safety, food etc.  Children need these things as a bases for growing, for developing into adults.  We expect that a child will learn to sit before they can walk, but that is only a physical example.  We also need to have emotional needs meet while we are young to be able to make the next step.  When my middle child was born, based on bad advice we control cried him (note: self settling being the bullshit cover-up name given to control crying it started being thought of as 'bad', don't be fooled.), it is not something I hide, but I do try to make clear why I went a completely different way with my next child. While my child cried for me to come to him I sat outside his room wishing he would just give up.  Each time he did, each time he eventually stopped crying and usually went to sleep. Each time his stress level shot thought the roof and each time he had the belief, one he was not even old enough to consciously think, reinforced. "I am worthless, not even my mother comes to care for me when I call out to her".  I'm not interested in judging someone who has made this decision, because I have been there myself, so don't hate me for stating how it is. My mother also did this with me, she didn't know the trouble that comes from it, she didn't have the information to base her decision on, the same as myself.   If a baby is control cried s/he does not learn that hir needs will be meet. On a basic level they learn they cannot trust others to look after them.  What a horrible thing to learn in the early months of life.  I learnt what I could about this method and am trying to reverse the effects with my son now. I didn't get that chance as a child (disclaimer, My parents did what they could, so no pooh poohing them at the moment).

I spent much of my child hood with my father depressed (undiagnosed bi-polar) and my mother suffering post-natal depression while continuing to have more children (4 children in under 6 years, plus me).   My childhood is not full of happy memories, this is something I can't change now. What I can do is embrace my inner child. I hold her, rub her hair, sing to her, dance with her, run with her, have fun with her.  Last night was Halloween and I dressed up with her. I dressed up as a vampire, with white make-up, fangs drawn on, and dark purple all around my eyes. I wore a lace skirt with lace leggings and a purple shirt. I got to play make-up with my 8 y/o daughter, who was a witch and had green eye shadow and brown lipstick and was wearing velvet robes. How awesome :D A new memory, and I loved going around in public dressed as something other than myself. I will be doing this for a while to come :D

Embracing my inner child is a lot harder with children as I can't be irresponsible like children are, so I do little things regularly.  Rubbing my hair is a big one, its something I imagine my mother must have done when I was really little. I imagine I'm a little girl, with an adult coming to calm her down after a big day.  While I rest, rubbing my hair I day dream, let my mind wonder away enjoying being jus me in my head.  I love it.

When you see an young parent partying and being generally irresponsible try not to judge them, think about what it must be like to be responsible for an entire living being, when you have not had a chance to be an adult, Ever.

1 comment:

  1. All this time, I've been thinking, 'Quick -grow up! You're a mother now!'. But needs that are not met as children, only come back to bite us on the bum when caring for our own. Thank you, for the timely reminder.