Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Wait.... You're a Lesbian???

This is a post about my sexuality. Not that I even know what that is...
I guess this post starts when I was in early puberty, about 11 I guess and I saw a particularly sexual music video clip (I won't tell you which one, because that IS past my comfit zone!) on a Saturday morning. Watching those women dance around created feelings in places I had never had before. I went off for some privacy and allowed myself to explore these feelings.
After that I explored those feelings with people, mostly just kissing, but I explores whoever I wanted. I can count equal amounts of boys and girls in that time period. When I was 14 I lost my virginity to a boy and a few months later began dating a 16 y/o of the male type (lol).  At 15 I had his baby and at 18 we were married.  We had a threesome with another woman, it was not a great experience, defiantly not something I wish to experience again.... At 19 and again at 21 I had two more of his children. During the 10 years we were together at least the first 8 I was madly in love.  I thought I was straight, I was always going on about gay rights etc, but I was sure I was straight.  I never wanted to sleep with other people and I thought I would spend the rest of my life with him.  Eventually I realised that I was still attracted to women which is a hard place to be when you're in a committed relationship, but I was 22 and wanted to know what these feelings meant.  I discussed it with him, but he was very clear in the fact he was not comfortable for me to seek experiences outside our marriage.  I never broke that trust but eventually our marriage fell apart which lead to me experimenting with different sexual partners.  I am currently in a relationship with a woman.  When I started dating her was the first time I had to admit to my family how I felt about women. I am so glad I didn't have to do that as a teenager.  People who I didn't realise would care were sending me less then nice messages. I didn't have anyone be downright nasty, but it was still difficult. I still don't know what it all means, I still don't have a label that fits, I'm not a lesbian, or straight, I don't even feel comfortable with bi-sexual really, so here I am, Just me!