Taking charge.

This will be a hard one to write.

I met my husband at 13 y/o, he was 15. We started 'going out'  a year later. long story short we went from teens to parents together, what growing-up we did, we did together, we were inseparable. We loved being together and were each other's best friend.  We agreed on what seemed like everything, so he made all the choices in our relationship, it was smooth sailing.  I didn't think anything could change that.

What changed was Me, for sure, without a doubt. I started taking control of my life educating myself about things I felt were important and I started growing-up, he was not on the journey with me.  When I changed my name I didn't have his support and in the end I had to point out that it was my life.  What I could not understand was that he knew I hated my old name, why would he want me to keep it?  There was constant power struggles as I tried to take control and he refused to let me.  After three kids, 9 years together and 5 years of marriage we separated.  This happened at a time when we were fighting everyday and the children would get upset.  My beautiful children were growing up being show the same destructive relationship examples We had been and neither of us wanted that.

Since separating I have learnt so much about myself.  Mostly about me as an individual, not tied to another adult.  I finally didn't have to get permission to start a music class or go out dancing. I discovered how much I loved doing these things. So much growth has happened since we separated. It has been a hard journey though, a fucking hard journey. Being a single mother is hard, being alone is hard, not having someone to share where your life is heading is hard. But I have had to grow-up to deal with these things.  Lots more to do yet.

The next post will be more fun, I promise :D

Name change

During the year after my homebirth I standing up for myself some more, this was Huge, as I had always let people 'walk all over me'.  I was starting to take control of my life and not let other people (my partner, my parents, my friends...) make decisions for me.  had thought that letting people make the decisions meant that I didn't have to take responsibility for what the end result was, it was a big learning curve to be taking control and responsibility. 

The name I was given at birth I had hated from childhood, it's hard to explain, but when someone asked what my name was and I told them I felt like I was lying, when someone addressed me as that name I felt like it was wrong, that it didn't fit. I even hated thinking of myself by that name.  I know a lot of people who I am close to have had trouble understanding why I would choose to change the only name they have ever known me by, but this is my name, this is a choice I needed to make for me.   I spent much of my life looking for a name that suited me and many of my really close friends knew this.  When went looking that night for a name I didn't think anything would be different this time, but when I found my name it hit me, hard. I posted it around the place to see what it looked like and I played with it in my head. I announced it the next day, on the 4th October 2009 I went from Mickie to Jaya.  I did it for me, when people ask me why I say because I wanted to.  The name I picked means Victory of the sprit and I hope that one day I will live up to it.

 

A brief history?

I lived with my mother and 4 siblings when I feel pregnant at 15, myself and my partner moved into our own town house and my daughter was born just before my 16th birthday. We lived together being the best parents we could be, bringing up our daughter the best way we knew how. I still believe we did a pretty freaking awesome job, she is currently 8 years old and has awesome self-esteem and is a confident child, willing to follow what her dreams are at any given time.  When I was 18 I feel pregnant with my second child, his pregnancy was a hard one, involving surgery to keep my body working and in the end pain and depression that crippled me, I gave birth to him in an empowering birth, but the depression was to full-on to get much from it.  Parenting him was very difficult, the pain continued from the pregnancy and the depression was full-on.  The depression started to lift around 18 months after his birth and I made a decision that has proven to have changed my life.  I decide to have another baby.  I decided to homebirth and for the first time I had to take responsibility for my decision, it was on no-one else. I was an Adult, in just one decision.

His birth was a turning point for me, He was born in a birth pool in my bedroom. His birth was empowering beyond belief and something I don't think anyone except me will ever understand. From his birth I parented him the way that felt right to me.

The thing I would like to point out here is that my biography up until this point 100% focuses on my children, my role as a mother.  I, in no-way was an adult, functioning for myself. I believe it's important that certain things happen for each person before they can move on the next stage in life, an example would be the physical fact that a child can't walk before s/he can sit, this goes for emotional and mental things as well.

I plan to use this blog to share the things I do and the experiences I have had in the past and into the future to help me achieve becoming an adult. come along for the ride? :D